Life was so beautiful when I was a kid. I was creative, enthusiastic, dreamer, happy and never cared about what others thought about me or expected from me. As I grow up, I realize life isn’t what we think of it to be. We don’t get anything easily. People don’t stay in your life forever; they may break your heart, cheat you, betray you, hurt you then leave you or you may leave them. Friends forever is a myth. Dreams don’t always turn into reality.
The bubble of happiness around me was pricked by the harsh realities of life. I didn’t understand when and how I was slowly getting wrapped by the depression till it completely consumed me inside and left me with feelings of loneliness, emptiness, hopelessness and deep desire to escape all these feelings. The hope I once had was soon replaced by the urges of suicide to end it all.
I never wanted to become a part of the rat race- career and education made us this way. I never wanted to join the ‘grown-up-zombie-clans’ who follow their daily routine blindly and with no excitement. I don’t find myself creative anymore or motivated enough to do anything. I isolate myself from people and avoid people. I feel exhausted most of the times and don’t feel like sharing how I feel with anyone, it’s easier to mask these feelings with fake happiness rather than express how you feel to people who won’t really understand it.
Do you also feel this way? Do you miss your childhood? Do you miss being creative and innocent and curious about the world around you? Do you feel like your life is lacking excitement? Does the thought of future scare you? I don’t know where I’m headed in life, what my future is like or what I’m going to do with my life. The thoughts of giving up and suicide cross my mind often. No matter how much you feel like giving up there is always that 1% hope inside you which screams you to try one more time, who wants to see how your life will be like and how it will end. We can think of our life as a book. We never know what our ending will be like- it can be happy or sad and unpredictable. Sometimes when we read a book, beginning can seem interesting and end may get boring or vice versa, we may feel like keeping the book aside because the story isn’t going the way we expect it to be yet we are tempted to complete the book out of curiosity and with a hope that the ending will be different. Same is the case with our life, our life may not be going the way we want to be and future scares us because it is unpredictable.
Suicide isn’t a cowardly and selfish. People around easily label a suicidal or depressed person as a ‘selfish’ and ‘coward’ wait till you walk in their shoes and understand this. I’m sure most of the people who feel suicidal or commit suicide don’t really want to die; they just want to escape and end their suffering. Is suicide worth it? Is giving up the solution? Do you really want to kill yourself?
I don’t want to die and I don’t want to live- this phase is so complicated and hard to explain. I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore or if I’ll act on the recurrent thoughts but I’m holding on to that 1% hope. I’m able to empathize someone going through a phase like this because I’m going through it and I wouldn’t want that person to go through this alone.
You may feel like your existence has no meaning but there’s the world out there waiting for you to be explored- great cities, art and music and people. We can’t die before living, we can’t give up before trying one more time and we won’t appreciate happiness till we experience this phase of our life.
Everything, Please! 